3 Months

He has been home 3 months already. Crazy, it feels like he has been with us so much longer, and I mean that in the best possible way. 

His English is really starting to take off. He has been stringing words together, forming sentences. I feel like he understands most of what I say to him. 

But at the same time, he is singing and speaking in Mandarin less and I fear he is losing that part of him. 

It is both sad and amazing how quickly language can be picked up and forgotten. 

For now I have a little boy running after his big brothers saying things like,

"Get out of my way."

"Let me go."

"Give me."

"Come on."

"I am gungry" (aka hungry)

"MAAAAMAAAAA."

Yes, he has five siblings and Yes, he can hold his own.

He said the word "motorcycle" to Kory yesterday who wondered where he would have heard it. I have been reading Beverly Cleary's The Mouse and the Motorcycle to the kids. As it is a chapter, non-picture type book I was assuming he probably wasn't understanding much. I think I was wrong. 

The kid is a sponge. A lovable, funny, impatient, endearing sponge, who sometimes thinks he's a bunny rabbit. But that's a post for another day. :)

The Gift of Going Second

Another piano recital is officially under her belt. 

She was nervous this time around. One song was played by memory, the other with the book. She was afraid she would make a mistake. 

When it was over, she was all smiles. She may or may not have made a mistake, if she did they were small. She didn't have to go first and by the time her turn rolled around, others had already made small mistakes. 

"I wasn't nervous anymore when I heard others make mistakes," she said. "It made me think if I made a mistake it would be okay."

She was given a gift by those who went before her. In her book Permission to Speak Freely, Anne Jackson calls this the gift of going second. 

In Mya's case the gift involved the removal of the expectation to be perfect. A weighty load.

I have been given this gift too. A confession from a friend brings the realization that I am not alone in my struggle. It gives me the courage to confess and pass the gift on to others. It removes the expectation of perfection.

It is hard to go first, to be vulnerable and open yourself up to judgment. Sometimes judgment is all you receive. But sometimes, you find that you are not the only one to struggle. Sometimes by going first, you lighten the load of a fellow traveler. And if they follow your example and pass the gift on, beautiful ripples begin to appear one after the other as the gift of going second gets passed from one broken person to another.

What do you do with Impossible Dreams?

Last summer Mya took tennis lessons and at some point during that time Suhn asked the question, "When I get older can I take tennis lessons too?"

This is a question I am not sure how to answer.

For those of you who don't know, Suhn has cerebral palsy and at this point in time needs a walker to get from place to place. Although she is making HUGE strides and has started walking around our house without her walker, she still has a ways to go before she can get around without it. Honestly, she may always need some kind of "help" to get around (whether that be a walker or crutches or something else). Time will tell.

The realist in me wants to tell her she will probably never be able to play tennis.

But at the same time, what if someday she can?

Do I quench what I think is an impossible dream or do I give what could be a false hope?

It is a question I wrestle with all the time. It is one of the hard things about having a child with a special need.

Last week at Summit 9, I received a burst of inspiration in the form of a 19 year old named George  Dennehy. George was born in Romania with no arms and adopted by a US family at the age of 1. George's mom saw that he had a gift for music and at the age of 8 signed him up for cello lessons.

Did you catch that. He has no arms and his mom signed him up for cello lessons. He learned to play with his feet.

At Summit, George played Amazing Grace for us on the guitar with his feet. I was blown away.

It brought up the question, if I had been George's mom, would I have signed my son with no arms up for cello lessons? I don't think I would have. It would have fallen into the "impossible dream" category for me. I would have encouraged him to pursue something a little more possible and I would have robbed the world of a huge blessing.

I'm sure there is still a place for the realist in me as we navigate these waters with our daughter, BUT after hearing George's story I want to be slow to say she can't.  Because, with a lot of hard work, maybe she can.

Or maybe she will start to put in the work and realize that dream, whatever it may be, is not something she wants to pursue. It will be her decision to stop.

Realistic or not, I don't want to be a dream killer. I want to be like George's mom and be willing to sign my kids up for cello lessons, even if it appears to be an impossible feat.

After all, we serve a God who delights in making impossible dreams come true and I don't want to get in the way of that.

Dreams of Silver and Gold

We were waiting. Waiting for the others to come out of the bathroom when she looked up at me and said,

"Mom, when I grow-up I want to wear a gold dress and I want to adopt a little girl from China and a little girl from Ethiopia and I want to buy them silver dresses."

There was more, about the tie she would buy for her husband and the food that she would cook, but it was the first part that I put on Facebook and that I have continued to think about since.

There was redemption in her words.

They say adoption mimics salvation. The sacrifice it takes to make a stranger a part of your family mimics the sacrifice God made to bring us into his.

The unloved finds love.

And if that was not enough, their dirt is washed away, and they find themselves dressed in silver and gold.

We find out the dirty,unwanted orphan is really the royal princess, the daughter of the King.

It's the best kind of story, one that never seems to get old.

Told through music and art, books and movies, and sometimes told in the daydreams of a little girl.

Talents to Share

She lay in a ball on the sofa, blanket wrapped tightly around her nine-year old body. I had called the school that morning to inform them she was home sick with a fever. The ibuprofen I gave her had been doing its job, giving us both the illusion that she was not so sick anymore.

She was holding out hope that she would be cleared to go to school the next morning. It would be the last day before Spring Break, the annual all-school talent show. She had tried out and made it into the program.

But when I saw her laying there on the sofa in the late-afternoon sun, we both knew the fever was back.

"How are you feeling?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

She stood up, blanket draped over her shoulders like a royal fleece robe and in a trembling voice spoke the words we both wished were not true.

"I don't feel good." she said, voice full of emotion. "I'm not going to be able to go to school am I?" and then with tears in her eyes came the words, "Mom, I just wanted to share my talent."

I held her tight and tried to come up with some kind of consolation prize, the promise of movies on the sofa falling short.

She has since moved on and accepted her fate. She will probably be able to share her talent with her music class, it is something, even if its not quite the same.

Her desire to share her talent challenged me. It wasn't a boastful, proud desire. It was a child-like knowing that she had been given a talent and talents are meant to be shared. Not over-thought, not hidden, not held back because of fear or doubt or worry over what others might think.

The truth is simple, no matter how I like to complicate it: We have all been given talents to share.

The Twins in China

When we decided to take the twins to China, we had two main reasons.

One, we wanted to expand their horizons and expose them to a new culture. Two, we hoped it would help Zak's transition to have his big brothers around.

It was a good move.

Despite the fact that we are going to have to put them through a "screen" detox when we get home. It has been so fun to have them around. I know Zak would agree.

He is already imitating them. He calls for them, loudly, using the Chinese word for big brother. He laughs at them and in general loves having them around.

And they have been great with their newest little brother. It has been really sweet to see them looking out for him. They love to sit by him at meals and pushing him in the stroller when we go out.  

Despite their wishes, they have not been able to play on the Leapster or Ipad ALL day. Among other things, I have been making them journal a little everyday. I thought I'd share a few of their thoughts/observations on our trip so far:

"I am excited for China because I will get to see Zak and because I will try new food."

"The food is great so far. I like the pancakes. I don't really like the toast." 

"There are thousands of China flags in China and hardly any in the US that I have seen."

"We got Zak today. He started crying. He stopped soon."

"The plane ride was awesome. I watched a lot of movies." 

"Today we got Zak. I had fun. This will be a blast. I think he felt sad and worried." 

"Today we officially adopted Zak. Also we came to an orphanage where Zak and Suhn were. It was sad." 

"I think Zak is happy. He is cute. He's also tough."

"The food was good. I liked the toast. I didn't like the waffles." 

I also can add that they don't like the prawn flavored chips that Zak's nannies sent with him; Zak on the other hand loves them. 

Zak continues to do really well. He grieves the hardest before nap time and bedtime. He cried pretty hard before his nap today. But when he wakes up, he is all smiles, ready to play. 

We are eating dinner with our travel group again tonight and then we fly to Guangzhou tomorrow morning. We will not be sad to leave. One step closer to home and normal life, or at least our new normal. I know there will be hard days of transition ahead and we will take them one at a time. 

We are missing our kiddos back home and are so ready to be together again as a family. 

Again thanks for all your comments, love, support and prayers. 

Hopefully the next time you hear from me, we will be breathing the fresh air of Guangzhou. :)

Who Else is Going to China?

These guys are!

And if you ask them if they are excited to go, you might hear what they aren't excited about:  "All that walking and crying" (they've seen Suhn's gotcha day videos).

If you follow up with, "Well what ARE you excited about?" You might hear things like: "those doodle books mom got us" or the microwavable macaroni and cheese we are bringing or the hotel breakfast buffets we have told them about. 

They might tell you they are excited to meet Zak (they do actually know why we are going to China), which might be prefaced with being the FIRST to meet Zak. 

Regardless, they are excited and we are excited to bring them. We are excited to give them a glimpse of another culture. We are excited to introduce them to their new brother and hoping they will help make their new brother more at ease. Lots of excitement going on with just a few more days until our adventures in China begin. 

The countdown continues...

The Great Room Swap

We called it the "Great Room Swap."

It involved paint, moving furniture, new/used bedspreads, swapping closets and each kid moving to a different bedroom than they'd had before.

It was slightly daunting and also exciting.

Exciting because the end result meant we were ready for one more. Daunting because it would be a b-u-t-t load of work.

And work we did, for four days straight. We recruited help (thanks mom!) and the end result was something we were all pleased with.

Room #1: Originally shared by the three boys. We thought four boys would be a little much. Besides, it was time for the girls to share, but since the girls would be using twin beds, we decided they would be getting the bigger room. Out go the boys...

(good bye little airplanes painted with love)

In come the girls...

Room #2: Mya's room. When she moved out...

The twins moved in...

And that leaves us with Suhn's room, the easiest room change because we didn't have to paint!

Out goes Suhn...

Here comes Sean, AND very, VERY soon, Zak!

One huge task off my to-do list. 

And five happy kids who have spent a LOT more time in their rooms this past week (of their own free will).

That is what I call a win-win.

They're Back

To wish you a Merry Christmas!!




Hope your holiday is filled with Joy!

LOA!!!!!

It's been a big week at our house. 

Monday afternoon the e-mail saying our LOA had arrived dinged in my inbox. 

On Tuesday, we received, signed, marked the box that said "We accept" and overnighted that precious piece of paper back to our agency.

Just in case you aren't immersed in Chinese adoption lingo and are a little hazy on what LOA actually means... It means China has officially given us their approval to adopt Zak. It is a HUGE step forward in our adoption process and hopefully means we will be on our way to China in 10 - 14 weeks. 

Which is a good thing. A very good thing.

Up until the last week or so I have been fairly successful at keeping thoughts of our little munchkin somewhat in the back of my brain. But the closer we get to travel, the more thoughts of Zak begin to fill the front, middle and back parts of it. 

I can pretty much guarantee by the time we hop on a plane, my brain will have been overrun with thoughts of the Zak-man. In fact, I am just going to warn you now, if you have any interaction with me over the next few months and I don't seem all there, or a little scattered... it's because a large part of my brain has moved to China. 

I had a dream about him last night. I dreamed he was a quiet little man with a lot of energy. He kept us on our toes. I CAN NOT WAIT to see if my dream comes true!!

The closer we get, the harder the waiting becomes and months that normally appear to be right around the corner, suddenly feel a million miles away. 

It's all part of the process. 

The excruciating, wonderful adoption process.

God or The Man?

A kind of game has evolved between me and the 4-year olds, one in particular. He came up with it, I just play along.

He asks a question. I ask a question. He gives the answer.

The question is always the same, changed only by what we happen to be driving by in the moment. My response NEVER changes, if I try, I get in trouble.

There are only two answers: God or The Man

Hey Mom, Who made the sky?
Who do you think?
Um, God.
Mom, Who made the cars?
Who do you think?
The Man

It is So. Much. Fun.

He could play for hours. I typically end it after the fifth question.

Every once in a while he questions me about this "man" of whom we speak. Where is he? How old is he? Can I meet him?

Periodically I remind him who created "the man" and how he was created to be creative.

The other day he threw a curve ball into our little game, a small, but fun, deviation.

Hey Mom, Who made the spiderweb?
A new answer, the spider.
Oh, So who made the spider?
Who do you think?
Spiderman? 

Good times, with a 4 year old. Can't wait for the next round. :)

An Update on our Ming Ming

Ming, Ming. The update says that is what his nannies call him. It means "little bright one" in English. I like it. It fits.

The update also gave us a page's worth of glimpses into his personality, likes, abilities, dislikes.

I wasn't expecting it. We didn't get any updates in the wait for Suhn except her height and weight. This update came with pictures and words, lots of words (and not near enough).

They told us he is quick to share, that music comes naturally for him and he likes to sing.

They also shared a snippet of every day life with our "little bright one."

"Ming Ming, where are you going?"
"I am going to school." 

This is what our Ming Ming often says.  Ming Ming is a child who loves to study and in the morning after breakfast, he will put on his backpack and go to school.  After dinner, he will put on his backpack wanting to go to school.  The nannies will heartily laugh and say, 

“Ming Ming is so diligent, every day he wants to go to night school too!”

Ah, be still my beating heart. I CANNOT WAIT to bring my little boy home!

But for now, in the waiting, I am SO THANKFUL, that he is happy and well taken care of. That he is with nannies who laugh with him and help him go to sleep at night.

That he is loved.

Under the circumstances, I could not ask for more!

The First Day of School

Up early, as in way too early. Dressed, socks on, Ready to go.

He eats fast, so he has more time to play before the bus comes.

Excited and nervous.

One not quite ready for summer to end, but the bus is coming. Ready or not.

Socks and tennis shoes replace flip flops.

Backpacks on, loaded down with supplies for the year.

Pictures on the front porch ready to join the menagerie already on Facebook. Say Cheese.

Here comes the bus. Smiles on. Line up. Here we go.

"See you after school!"

Back to the house. The Quiet shouts on the first day of school. Even with two still home.

One 4th grader and two 1st graders. Where does time go?

On to the gym and groceries before they come back. Rushing in the door. Big smiles. All talking at once.

Ready for day 2.

He has a name!!

We have been waffling over names for little boy for the past two months. 

Boy names are hard for us.

But last night Kory put up a new basketball hoop by our driveway. The wet cement was practically begging for initials, face prints or something.

We opted for initials and as a result the waffling is over.

Initials in cement are kinda hard to erase.

Can you guess?

Never mind, I'll tell you...

Zak William AiMing 

Zak means "remembered by God" which fits him in so many ways.

William is the name of Kory's dad (all our boys have middle names after a grandpa or great-grandpa)

AiMing is his Chinese name.

I think it has a nice ring.

Happy Weekend!

Why I like to go to Target by my SELF.

I avoid going to Target with all five kids as MUCH as possible.

One or two or even three kids is fine, but all five with little ole me is asking for Trouble (which was capitalized intentionally).


Sometimes, however, I can not avoid it. Especially during summer.

So we go.

Hello, Target customers. Why yes they are ALL mine. Thank you SO much for asking.

Before we enter the building we have the same conversation. Every. Time.

Kids, What are we going to do?
Answer:  STICK TOGETHER.
Does that mean you can run ahead of me?
Answer:  NO
Does that mean you lag WAY behind?
Answer: NO

All righty then, Here We Go!

Sometimes the pep talk works, if we run in and out in record time, but A LOT of times it doesn't.

Two run ahead. One lags behind. I try to yell without yelling. Get. Over. Here. Now.
Stick. To.Geth.er!!! 


Fights break out over who gets to push Suhn in the stroller. 


A flip flop breaks leaving one kid hopping/walking barefoot/alternating between both options. 


They hide behind and in clothes racks. 
They knock things off the shelves.
They pout because I veto the orange tic tacs.
They pout because they don't WANT Sean to push them.
They lay down in the middle of the aisle because they WANT to push Suhn.


One pees his pants.


Sigh.


Hello, Target customers. Anyone want to buy a kid?


Hahahahahaha. I jest.


BUT, just to be safe... I think I need to try HARDER to avoid going to Target with ALL five kids.

The Telling of a Story

God is an exciting author and sometimes He gives us a glimpse at how perfectly He is weaving our stories together. I imagine in Heaven when all has become clear we will be AMAZED at how the plots of our days on earth twisted and came together.


When we first got the e-mail, making us aware that little boy existed I honestly did not think life was going to change. It took me 24 hours to tell Kory about it and even that was a passing, "I got a funny e-mail yesterday" kind of conversation.

A year before I had peeked at the waiting kids on our agency's website, feeling an itch, but not knowing where to scratch. A couple months after that I felt completely at peace with our family the way it was. I thought that IF adoption was in our future, it would be years down the road once our kids were older.

That was where I was. I thought we were done expanding our family for the near future.

And then we were asked to adopt again.

We were never opposed to the idea. We just didn't know if it was right. But as the days turned into a week and then two, the thought of little boy grew in my mind and wouldn't leave. We started to talk about it. I would ask what Kory thought about little boy, if anything. We discussed the logistics, the cost, the emotional impact.

Then Suhn asked to see her baby pictures, and we found a picture of Suhn and little boy together.

Just the two of them.

A picture of our china babies together, in China, waiting for our family.

We found out they were from the same city in China. They both spent the majority of their pre-family life at Angel House in Beijing. They even lived their together for a short time. They also happen to have the same special need.

It still took us a month to actually start the adoption process. Kory is making a job change in a couple weeks and was in the midst of sharing that news (because why make one huge, life-altering decision when you can make two at the same time). But, when I saw that picture it felt pretty clear where we were heading. 

When we called our agency to see if they would even be able to find His file, it took ONE minute to do so creating one more open door for us to walk through.

Yep, this is one story that has me hooked!

I can't wait to see the plot thicken as we bring little boy home and watch his story intersect with Suhn's and ours. I am sure it will have its share of conflict, as all good stories do, but in the end I am praying for a happy ending of EPIC proportions.

Don't forget to check out our T-Shirt fundraiser with Wild Olives. You can get the details here. But the main detail you need is to remember to use our code: KAEB629 when you check out. Thanks!!

The End of Birthday Week

Birthday week is wrapping up.

Technically it was supposed to end yesterday.

Yesterday my boys became SEVEN year olds. My funny, energetic, tree-climbing boys.

Their birthday wish included an "ugly green" cake. They also wanted a slip n' slide attached to the pool with pop at the bottom waiting for them. You know kind of like bowling your booty into floating pop cans. 

Or something like that. 

I was able to deliver the cake.

We were set for the birthday celebration. Until the crying started. 

He had actually told me the day before his ear had been hurting him. Which I thought about for a minute. Something like "Oh no, Do we have time for the doctor today?" And then promptly forgot, being the good mother I am. 

When he started saying things like, "I wish I had never been born" the mommy guilt hit hard (Why didn't we go to the doctor yesterday!) and we rushed to the doctor at 4:40 on a Friday night (we made it 5 minutes before closing). 

He had swimmer's ear. 

The party was put on hold. Ear drops were obtained and he was asleep on the sofa by 6.

Some days just don't go like you plan. 

It was the worst birthday ever.

Thankfully the ear drops did their job. He is glad to be alive again and we are getting ready to redeem his birthday and eat ugly green cake.

And THEN, birthday week will come to a close.

She's Nine

Mya is 9 years old today.

NINE. 

Where did those years go? 

She is a beautiful, tender-hearted, amazing girl with a zeal for life that is contagious. 

She is a gift, plain and simple.

I was getting all nostalgic last night. Thinking back to nine years ago when she first joined us. Sometimes I find myself wanting to freeze time. Stop the days from roaring by. Keep my kids just as they are today.

Really, I'm glad that is not an option, but periodically I feel the pangs of time moving too fast. 

Emma Timmons (a character from Lark Rise to Candleford) had the same desire once, to freeze time. In response, her husband shared some wise words:

You could stop it right now, but then there would be no more moments to turn into memories. 

It's true, I know, and even though time flies by too fast on some days and too slow on others, I am thankful for its passage. I am thankful for nine years with my sweet girl and looking forward to many more moments yet to come.

A Special Anniversary

Two years ago today,

we met a beautiful little girl in a red dress.

It was an upsetting day for her. 

She was leaving behind everything she had ever known.

It was also, oh-so-sweet, even though she didn't quite know what family meant yet.

Two years later she continues to bring joy and Suhn-shine to our lives.

She is ours and we are hers.

What would we do with her?

Happy "Gotcha" Day Suhn!

Lost

We lost puppy last week.

I'm not sure how it happened, but Tuesday night I was tucking Sean into bed and he asked for puppy as he has most nights for the last two years. I looked all over the house and couldn't find him. So I found a substitute puppy and told Sean we would find puppy in the morning.

But we didn't.

By Friday puppy was still missing. I started to get a sick feeling in my stomach.

I thought puppy was gone for good.

We decided to retrace our steps. We looked at the park. We looked at the gym. We looked at the doctor's office.

Still no puppy.

Sean was sure puppy had been eaten by a monster.

And then, on Sunday morning, we were getting ready for church when we heard a shout from Mya's room. She found puppy. In her closet.

And there was much rejoicing in the house. 

What was lost had been found.

It was a glorious reunion.