A Friend of Zak's

When we were at Angel House, meeting Zak for the first time, we also met some of his friends. Some of them have families waiting for them, but many don't.

Many, so very many precious children are still waiting for their families to find them.

There was one boy in particular, a little boy who was so sad when he met us because he knew we would be taking his friend away from him. A little boy who does not yet have a family.

One year ago, my friend Dawn paid a visit to Angel House, where she met a little boy who did not have a family. Eva boldly asked Dawn if she would advocate for him, to us specifically.

Praise God, our MingMing is an orphan no more!

Eva, reminded me while we were talking of how we came to know of Zak, and then she gave me pictures of his friend. She boldly asked us to pass on the gift of advocacy that was given to us. So, I want to introduce you to Zak's friend Yu.

Yu is four years old and has cerebral palsy like Zak and Suhn. Our best guess based on the short time we were with him is that his CP is more involved than our kiddos. You can read more about him on the angel house website here.

He was so sad when we saw him, but Kory was still able to get some smiles from him. He is precious and he  needs a family.

I am so thankful he is living at Angel House, but the truth is, he cannot stay there forever. Eventually if he does not get adopted, he will have to return to the orphanage. It is not a decision they make quickly, but it is a decision that they have to make.

The thought of this precious boy moving back to the orphanage breaks my heart. I think it could break his as well. Will you help me find his family? Will you pray for this sweet boy? Will you share this blog post with others? 

I can't tell you for sure how to find his file or how to begin the process (although I have a few ideas, feel free to e-mail me - see sidebar). But then, we didn't really know how to begin when we first saw Zak's picture. God provides. 

It won't be easy, I can guarantee that, BUT this little boy needs, NEEDS someone to take a chance on him. He needs a family. 

Could his family be yours?

The Early Days

I remember when we first brought our daughter home, the uncertainty of what to do in certain situations was so great I felt like we were starting from scratch, newbies in the parenting realm. Clueless.

The reality is, we were starting from scratch because parenting an adopted child added a gaggle of new layers to the parenting gig we were used to.

Our biological children have never experienced trauma or rejection or abandonment  They have a felt safety with us that has never really been challenged. So, when they act out or misbehave, most likely the root of that behavior is fairly straight-forward: i.e. they are selfish little boogers like the rest of us. 

And while our adopted kiddos fall into that same category, there is simply more to it. They have experienced trauma and rejection and abandonment. They have felt unsafe in a big way, whether that was as a newborn or toddler or an older child. Those kinds of life experiences make an impact.

So when one of my adopted kiddos acts out, the root of their behavior could be attributed to the fact that they are selfish little boogers, or it could be something more. Something like fear. Fear of being rejected or abandoned again, because no matter how long they have felt safe with us, that fear is hard to let go and can manifest itself in strange, subtle and frustrating ways.

The fear still shows up in our daughter from time to time, but the uncertainty of how to respond is less than when we began. Maybe the lines have become a little less blurred as she is able to express herself more. Maybe (thanks to readings, DVDs, classes) we know a little more.

Whatever the reason (a little of all of the above I'm sure), when she is upset, the cause of the behavior is easier to nail down and on our good days, we deal with it more effectively. The cause may be fear (or something else related to her past), or it may be typical 5 year old behavior, but our experience with her over the years gives us a clearer direction of what to do.  

Over the weekend we went out to eat as a family. While we were waiting for our food Zak became quiet. When the food came he refused to eat. When it was time to leave he didn't want to go. He resisted when I went to put him in his car seat.

It brought back those feelings from when we brought Suhn home. Feeling unsure of what to do or how to handle the situation. Wondering what the root cause of the behavior was? Is this adoption related? Was there a trigger in the restaurant that reminded him of something in China? Is this a grieving moment? Why didn't he eat? What should I do???

It turns out that he wanted a milk shake and when I told him no, he decided not to eat until he got the milkshake and when we left he realized he really wanted to eat. We figured it out, gave him his food, had ice cream when we got home and all was well with the world again. In this case, I really believe it was more along the "typical" 4-year old behavior lines than fear-based acting out, but it can be really hard to tell the difference.

Especially in the beginning, when the wounds are fresh and the communication is lacking. 

Thankfully, this time around it doesn't feel quite as scary or overwhelming. Experience is a beautiful thing, and we feel better equipped and less uncertain. Even so, the same mantra holds true from our first days as adoptive parents to today: one day at a time; one foot in front of the other; and lots of prayer!

Interested in learning more? Below are a few resources we have found extremely helpful in our adoptive parenting journey:

• www.empoweredtoconnect.org  This website is FULL of resources, articles, recommended readings, videos and information about the Empowered to Connect conferences. If you are an adoptive parent, you should go to one of their conferences. I guarantee it will be worth it.
• The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis
• The Whole Brain Child by Daniel Siegel
• Wounded Children, Healing Homes by Jayne Schooler
• Talking with Young Children about Adoption by Mary Watkins, Susan Fisher
• TCU Healing Families DVD Series

The Dishwasher that Didn't

We came home from China to a clean house and meals that I didn't have to cook.

Yay!

We also came home to a dishwasher filled with "clean" dishes. At least, they were supposed to be clean. The dishwasher TOLD me they were clean.

Only they weren't. And after a little bit of finagling and extra runs, we came to the conclusion that although we were home from China, our dishwasher had moved on.

And by move on, I really mean our dishwasher decided to stop washing.

I guess he couldn't handle the pressure and extra dishes another kid would bring to the house. If only he would have waited to meet Zak face-to-face. I'm sure he would have stuck it out.

But he didn't. He checked out. We had no choice but to banish him to the garage, away from the house. FOREVER.

And while I want to be sad for him, I'm really not.

The replacement dishwasher has since been purchased and installed. He purrs like a dishwasher on a summer evening. He cleans. He washes. He has made me realize that while our old dishwasher did the job... he really didn't.

He made me scrub the dishes before loading them into his cleaning jowels. He may have cleaned them, but he  never washed them.

Now that Mr. Clean has arrived, I don't have to scrub the dishes anymore. In fact, I can pretty much avoid rinsing altogether if I wanted to (old habits die hard).

Good riddance old machine. You checked out. You've been replaced. And I have a dishwasher that actually does what it is supposed to do.

Who knew?!

Talents to Share

She lay in a ball on the sofa, blanket wrapped tightly around her nine-year old body. I had called the school that morning to inform them she was home sick with a fever. The ibuprofen I gave her had been doing its job, giving us both the illusion that she was not so sick anymore.

She was holding out hope that she would be cleared to go to school the next morning. It would be the last day before Spring Break, the annual all-school talent show. She had tried out and made it into the program.

But when I saw her laying there on the sofa in the late-afternoon sun, we both knew the fever was back.

"How are you feeling?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

She stood up, blanket draped over her shoulders like a royal fleece robe and in a trembling voice spoke the words we both wished were not true.

"I don't feel good." she said, voice full of emotion. "I'm not going to be able to go to school am I?" and then with tears in her eyes came the words, "Mom, I just wanted to share my talent."

I held her tight and tried to come up with some kind of consolation prize, the promise of movies on the sofa falling short.

She has since moved on and accepted her fate. She will probably be able to share her talent with her music class, it is something, even if its not quite the same.

Her desire to share her talent challenged me. It wasn't a boastful, proud desire. It was a child-like knowing that she had been given a talent and talents are meant to be shared. Not over-thought, not hidden, not held back because of fear or doubt or worry over what others might think.

The truth is simple, no matter how I like to complicate it: We have all been given talents to share.

The Sky Beneath My Feet

I had the chance to do some reading in China. On the airplane, in the hotel room during quiet time and at night when we forgot to borrow a DVD from our travel com padres. I had several new books loaded up on my Kindle for the occasion. A little Agatha Christie (Murder on the Orient Express), Kate Morton (The House at Riverton) and the newest Lisa Samson release (The Sky Beneath my Feet). Each book totally different from the other, all worth the read. 

The Lisa Samson book I received as part of Thomas Nelson's Book Sneeze program. They send me books in exchange for honest reviews. So, here is my review on The Sky Beneath My Feet:

The basic story line from the Book Sneeze description is this: Beth's husband won't be joining the family on vacation at the beach this year. He's not even joining them in the house. Instead, Rick has holed up alone in the backyard shed. Nobody knows exactly what he's up to. Maybe he's immersing himself in prayer. Maybe he's lost his mind. Maybe he's even the modern-day prophet or the saint the neighborhood artist imagines him to be. But while "St. Rick" waits for an epiphany, Beth will have to figure out what to do with herself and their teenage sons, possibly for the rest of her life. 

I have read a few of Lisa Samson's novels before and I gotta say, I'm a fan. I used to read a lot of "Christian fiction." I don't so much anymore because a lot of what I read was somewhat cheesy when it came to relating the faith-based aspects of the book. There would always be a "conversion" scene at the end, and while I am a big fan of conversion scenes in real life, in the books I read so many of them sounded way too cliche. (I know there are many Christian fiction books out there that don't do this, I just wasn't finding them.)

I don't think "cliche" when I read Lisa's work. Her characters and their faith were real and relateable. The story kept my attention and challenged me. (I love it when a novel tells a good story and makes me think, big plus!) Bottom line, The Sky Beneath My Feet is a well-written story of how God became real to one of His children. In my opinion, it was definitely worth the read. 

***DISCLOSURE NOTICE: A free copy of this book was supplied to me for the purpose of review by publisher. No monetary exchange was given. All comments and wording in this review are purely my own. 

Settling in

I should have pictures.

But since we have returned home, the camera has not been getting much use.

Shame on me, I know.

You will just have to take my word for it.

Our transitions continue to move along in a relatively smooth sort of fashion. Zak is kinda the rock star of the family right now. Except when he periodically bites or hits, but even then, they are quick to forgive.

Our table looks a lot fuller. He's just one small boy, but since he came, when I look around our table at dinner time I can't help think that there are A LOT of kids sitting there.

We are slowly making our way out into the world. Home, however, is his comfort zone as it should be.

The jet lag is slowly disappearing and we have been well taken care of by friends and family. Meals have been delivered on a regular basis, something I am thankful for and also (if I'm being honest) feel a little guilty receiving.

We are morphing into our new normal and it feels good.

I am extremely thankful.
God is good.

Good to Be Home

Home.

We are home and adjusting; trying to move out of the foggy-brain of jet lag into our new normal.

Or at least I am. While the twins have been up around 4 -5 each morning, they hit their days hard, full of energy until I make them go to bed at 8 where they promptly fall asleep in 2 minutes flat.

I have spent my last few nights keeping a detailed record of the rest of my families sleep patterns.

Zak's bed is currently a pack-n-play in our room, where he has been sleeping relatively well. Except when he's not from around 12 - 2 each night. Thankfully he doesn't cry when he's awake. He talks to himself and makes noises with his lips. It would be really cute except that it takes place from 12 - 2 each night.

He seems to be adjusting smoothly to our life. We have been taking it easy. Keeping errands to the bare minimum. Hanging out at home, getting to know each other.

It's been good.

Good to be home. Good to be feeling out our new normal. Good to be together again as a family.